“If you want something, you must pay an equivalent price…”
Monthly Archives: March 2009
I needed to get away. I needed to be alone.
With a camera in one pocket and the trusty iPod in another, I set out for a long overdue walk with Him.
I took the same path as the one before, only this time it was covered in snow and somehow it felt much shorter.
It was quiet throughout the walk, with Pastor Benjamin’s sermon “Faith is knowing God’s willingness towards you” playing on the iPod.
Everything that needs to be said has already been said. So are the breakthroughs, miracles and blessings that I have been waiting for already given.
All that remains was for me to ‘sit still, until I know how the matter turns out’.
The walk ended without a revelation or breakthrough or anything of that sort. Neither did I cast all my cares and burdens to Him that very day. Still, I felt a slight but unmistakable sense of peace wash over me, and deep down I knew that greater things are happening… the season is changing.
It was the same route in a different season. It was the same problem, at a different stage of my life.
It was the same route but it felt shorter. It was the same problem, but this time deliverance and breakthrough will come sooner.
I may fall in the same area repeatedly, but I do not believe its all in vain. Each time the flesh breaks, I’m able to see His faithfulness magnified.
As sure as Spring will arrive, so will the manifestations of His finished work appear in my life. The Seasons are changing, and so am I.
“He changes times and seasons;
he sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
I thank you and praise you, O God of my fathers;
You have given me wisdom and power,
you have made known to me what we asked of you,
you have made known to us the dream of the king.”
Self-condemnation has reached alarming levels.
The line “I’m not copping out… I’m not copping out” fills the room as Switchfoot’s Twenty-Four plays repeatedly.
At a time when I’m lost for words, Jon Foreman cries out my heartfelt prayers.
I can’t make up what led me to this state, my fears and insecurities are far too many to number with the recent roller-coaster ride of emotions driving the last nail in the coffin.
I dont want to to be copping out of my responsibilities despite the circumstances.
I dont want to cop out my duties as a son, a friend, a brother, a newphew, a student, an admirer… the list goes on.
But no matter what I attempt to do, its never good enough. Self-effort has reached an end of itself, but thats solely what I’ve been running on lately. I bring out my burdens to You in prayer but end up re-carrying them myself.
Daddy God, why dont I trust you enough? Like Jacob, I’ve been wrestling with You with my ‘hips wretched out of my sockets’, as You remind me to let go and let God. Yet I’m still holding on, I can’t be more stubborn than Jacob, can I?
I’m at a point where I can wrestle no more. My only option is to admit defeat and let go of that which I hold so precious, trusting that You’ll never shortchange me.
This means a whole lot to me, all the more I should let You carry it… but I worry I might never have it back. Come to think about it, I’ve never let You into this area of my life. Whenever self-effort fails in this area, I simply shove it aside reminding myself never to think about it when the time is right; with the ‘right-timing’ being determined by self-standards.
Perhaps You’ve had enough, cause this time I can’t ignore it no more. I tried shoving the issue aside but before I knew it, it was right in front of me again… only this time its much more significant.
Pastor Bejamin’s “Overcoming Failure” has been playing overnight, the sermon repeating itself everytime it ends.
I dont need people to remind what I’ve achieved or how good I am, or even saying how much I have ahead of me. It all amounts to nothing when compared to the achievements, greatness and promises of another. There’s always someone better.
What I want to be reminded of is much simpler.
I want to know why You died for me, despite knowing I’m never going to be as great, as promising or as successful as another.
I want to know WHY…
I need to write…
but I don’t know how to put my thoughts into words.
What I really want is to shout, cry, rant, whine in Your presence.
Late nights and deadlines aren’t anything new, neither are disappointments and broken hearts.
What seems to be a long week felt like eternity… so is searching for the right words to say.
It doesn’t matter if no one understands. I know You do, and even more so You know this means the world to me.
Strip away the emotions… I wanna see what remains, to see if I really do care when all else fades.